


Attack On Talk Shows

by OriginalJade



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: crossposted from ffn, dont look at me, i s2g this is crack in an understandable form, talk show type fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 11:39:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2149356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OriginalJade/pseuds/OriginalJade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The cast of Attack on Titan answers your questions and more! Just what's in store for our favorite titan slayers? Tune in to find out!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [8/16/14] I originally wrote this in December 2013, thinking I could get the next chapter out in a week. Nope. I'm a lazy bum so I didn't edit it.

original-jade: Hello wonderful audience!

Eren: I don’t see anyone…

original-jade: THIS THING DOESN’T HAVE A LIVE AUDIENCE, BAKA!

Eren: *shrinks into couch*

Mikasa: *glares at me*

original-jade: *ignores Mikasa* Well, before I describe anything about the show, I need you all to sign these waivers.

Levi: Why the Hell do we need waivers?

original-jade: Without them, you could end up married to five shoes. Now sign the waiver! *throws paper at Levi and nicely give the rest to everyone else*

Levi: Tch. Five shoes my ass…

original-jade: And while you guys are signing that I’m gonna do the disclaimer! *runs upstairs and opens window* I DON’T OWN ATTACK ON TITAN OR ITS BADASS CHARACTERS! *shuts window and trips down stairs*

Levi: Did you just call shitty glasses badass?

original-jade: I called all of you badass and that includes Hanji. MOVING ON!

: Oi. Don’t start yet. I need to sharpen Senka.

original-jade: You can sharpen Senka later. Now get out here Vex!

Vex: *steps into room and sits next to me* Good. I can strike fear in their hearts.

original-jade: Not yet. Not until the waiver comes into play.

Vex: Damn…

Armin: Who is that o.o

original-jade: This is Vex. She helped me come up with a few things for the show. She’s also the co-host!

Armin: Well then…

original-jade: ALRIGHTY THEN! TIME FOR EXPLANATIONS! This thing works in round. The rounds are Questions+Answers & Dares, Magical Music, and Bonus Choice.

Sasha: Is there any food?

Vex: It depends what happens in Bonus Choice. If you get a lot of action in the other rounds, you probably won’t be as active in Bonus Choice. It’s basically a round where we come up with random things for you to do.

original-jade: Stop stealing my spotlight…That pretty much sums up Bonus Choice so I guess I get to do Magical Music! Using a bunch of sticks, I get to pick from three categories, my entire iTunes library, or different playlist on my iPod. Today’s category is meme songs so I won’t describe the others.

Vex: Why the Hell did you decide that ahead of time?

original-jade: I DO WHAT I WANT.

Levi: Can’t we just get this over with?

Vex: Fine, fine. Actually, I have an idea. Hanji, Jade, come with me. *goes to kitchen*

original-jade: Did you really just call me Jade?

Hanji: Doesn’t matter! C’mon! *grabs my arm*

original-jade: LEMME GO I’M COMING!

Vex: Don’t be such a brat.

original-jade: But I’m sensitive ;~;

Vex: That’s my line, bitch.

Hanji: No fighting! What do you want?

Vex: Jade knows where everything is and you know a lot of stuff so I want you two to help me.

original-jade: We’re turning Levi into a neko aren’t we?

Vex: Yep.

Hanji: What o_0

*ten minutes later*

Mikasa: What’s taking so long?

Vex: *walks back into living room* We made tea. Well, we helped Jade make it…I don’t know if it’s any good though…

Levi: I’ll be the judge of that. *takes a cup*

original-jade: I hope it’s good…*sniffs*

Vex: *leans toward Levi and whispers* Please don’t make her cry. It’s pretty scary…

Levi: Tch. *takes a sip, nearly gags, and swallows it after seeing Vex’s glare* It’s…Is that…peppermint?

original-jade: Well, I didn’t have any peppermint extract…so I used an actual mint.

Levi: That’s…creative…to say the least…

original-jade: Do you like it?

Levi: Um…I…*passes out*

Vex, Hanji, and original-jade: YES!

Eren: *looks in horror at the three of us* What did you DO?!?!?

Hanji: Slight sleeping potion. It’ll wear off in about fifteen minutes.

Armin: Was that necessary?

Vex: No. It’ll be worth it though.

Connie: Idiots. Think about what he’ll do to you.

Vex: I have Senka to protect me.

original-jade: And I have an army of genetically engineered super albino ninja llamas. Now SOMEBODY help me get Levi into the spare bedroom.

Hanji: Was the llama thing sarcasm? And why are we in your house?

original-jade: It’s not really my house. It’s a manifestation of my memories. This is the way it looked when I was little. *grabs Levi’s arms*

Hanji: You didn’t answer my question about the llamas. *grabs Levi’s legs*

original-jade: That wasn’t sarcasm. I literally have an army of genetically engineered super albino ninja llamas.

Hanji, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Sasha, Connie, Christa, and Ymir: O_O

original-jade: Ymir! You’re strong! Get over here and help! EEP! *almost knocks Levi into the wall*

Ymir: Yeah, yeah, give him here. *slings Levi over her shoulder*

Vex: Put him on the bed.

Ymir: Gotcha. *puts him down on bed*

original-jade: LET’S LET HIM SLEEP PEOPLE! BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM FOR QUESTIONS!

*ten minutes later*

Vex: Alright, questions. Um, why are there only three questions, Jade?

original-jade: It’s only the first broadcast thingy, don’t judge me ;~;

Vex: Alright, alright, just don’t cry! Please don’t cry!

original-jade: Okey dokey. First question!

Eren: Wait a minute, what questions?

original-jade: FOR THE LOVE OF LLAMAS! The questions get submitted by fans and you have to answer them! Of course, people can ask me and Vex questions too.

Eren: Ok then…

Vex: First question—  
Sasha, have you ever had fancy tuna before?  
~original-jade

Haruhi: Fancy tuna…

original-jade: GAH! Haruhi, get out of my house! This isn’t a meeting for the hosts! *pushes Haruhi out*

Sasha: What’s fancy tuna?

Vex: It’s a type of fish that people like to eat as a delicacy.

Sasha: Food…*goes to dreamland*

Ymir: So even you guys can ask questions? This doesn’t sound good…

original-jade: Yes we can ask you things. Next question~ *pulls out a magical looking piece of paper*  
Eren, how do you feel when Hanji experiments on you?  
~Vex

Eren: I…uh…she scares me…

Hanji: Oh, come one! It’s not THAT bad!

Eren: Yes it is…

Vex: You answered it. Moving on.  
Eren, what is your opinion on the Tennessee Titans?  
~original-jade

Eren: O_0 There are titans in Tennessee? You promised there weren’t any titans here at all… *twitch twitch*

original-jade: OMG XD They aren’t actual titans! It’s a football team!

Eren: *twitch twitch* T-titans…

original-jade: Ummmmm…should I be worried?

Jean: Nah, I got this. *slaps Eren in the face hard*

Eren: WHAT THE HELL HORSE FACE?!?

Jean: DON’T CALL ME THAT!

Vex. Both of you stop. Now.

Eren and Jean: *freeze*

Vex : Good boys~*smiles for the first time*

original-jade: Oh my God…Vex smiled…

Levi: *calls from spare bedroom* What the fuck was in that tea… *comes into living room*

Mikasa, Armin, Sasha, Connie, and Christa: 0_o

Eren, Ymir, and Jean: PFFFFFFFFT HAHAHAHAAA

Hanji, Vex, and original-jade: IT WORKED!

Levi: What the Hell are you all staring at?

Eren: *laughs* H-Heichou…Look in *laughs* the mirror or something…

Levi: What’s so funny, Jaeger?

original-jade: Here XD *hands Levi a mirror*

Levi: *pales* Why. The. FUCK. DO. I. HAVE. CAT. EARS?!?!?

Vex: And a tail.

Levi: WHAT?!?!? *spins around and grabs tail*

original-jade: KYAAA~ KAWAII~

Levi: *hisses*

Vex: OMG HE’S ADORABLE!

Armin: Bipolar much? (^-^;)

original-jade: Yep! Vex is literally a killer fangirl.

Jean: KILLER FANGIRL?!?

Vex: I like torture. And fangirling.

Levi: *somewhat strangling Hanji* FIX THIS!

original-jade: HEY! Levi, you either deal with it or meet my llama army >:3

Levi: *drops Hanji* Llama…army?

Vex: Don’t ask. It’s better if you just don’t ask.

Levi: *growls* What torture is next?

original-jade: The DARE round.

Carl: DUN DUN DUUUUN!

Vex: Did you just…

original-jade: Yep! Guys, this is Carl! He’s the general of my llama army!

Armin: I didn’t know that llamas could talk…

original-jade: They normally can’t, but he has a hat, so there. Llama with a hat. Oh, and Carl is also my sound effect maker!

Armin: Ok…

Vex: Who thinks they got dared?

Levi: I swear if ANYONE dared me to do something that I’ll—

original-jade: Oh, right! I forgot! If you refuse to do the dare, then the person who set the dare gets to punish you.

Levi: Tch…

Vex: First dare—  
Levi, I dare you to sing “Mr. Boombastic” right now.

Levi: WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT OF THAT?!?

Vex: I did.

Levi: There is no way in Hell that I’m singing. At all. Even if you got me to sing I wouldn’t sing that.

Vex: *smiles darkly* Punishment it is. I wonder…Can I sharpen my little Senka on your bones?

original-jade: No Vex. We can torture and draw blood, but we aren’t allowed to maim, fatally wound, murder, physically and or mentally disable, or marry off the cast. It’s in the waivers.

Jean: You were actually serious about marrying us to shoes O_0

original-jade: Yep. You can do all of that on your own time. All the waivers did was legally allow us to torture you if need be. Oh, and I believe page four mentioned sex consent.

Mikasa: WHAT?!? NO. NONONONONONO. EREN IS NOT HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE.

Vex: Well, technically it could be any of you having sex with each other. Hell, we could end up with a threesome if someone dares it. Anyways, I have a neko to punish. *scythe appears out of nowhere into Vex’s hand*

Everyone but Vex, Carl, and original-jade: O_O

Vex: This is Senka, my shadow scythe. I haven’t gotten to sharpen her today…

Levi: *hisses* STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Vex: Aw, but didn’t you want to get rid of your tail?

original-jade: THE REMOVAL OF APPENDAGES COUNTS AS MAIMING.

Vex: Damn it…can I still cut him?

original-jade: As long as it’s not fatal.

Vex: YAY. *drags Levi out to the back porch*

Hanji: Do you think he’ll be…?

original-jade: He’ll be fiiiiiiiine. He won’t refuse any more dares, but he’ll be fine…I think…OH GOD SOMEONE STOP HER. GO TO COMMERCIAL OR SOMETHING.

***COMMERCIAL BREAK***  
“Llama food for your favorite llamas!”  
“Scythe polish. When you just can’t get the blood off.”  
“Books.”  
***COMMERCIAL BREAK OVER***

Levi: *protectively stroking tail* She’s crazy…

Vex: Hmph. I though you said I could have fun…

original-jade: I didn’t say you could burn the house down.

Vex: You didn’t say I couldn’t.

original-jade: NEXT FREAKING DARE.  
Levi, I dare you not to clean anything for two weeks.  
~Vex

Levi: *muttering incoherently*

Vex: Oh my God I broke him.

original-jade: Fix him! He still has a few more things to do!

Vex: Alright, Levi, how about this. You aren’t allowed to clean anything on this property for two weeks.

Levi: *stops muttering*

original-jade: That’s better. No cleaning until the 24rd~ Now, Vex, would you do the honors of reading the next dare?

Vex: I certainly would.  
Eren, I dare you to—wait a second. *pulls out box* EREN, GO PUT THIS ON.

Eren: Wh-what?!?

Vex: NOW XD

Eren: Um, o-ok…*takes box into bathroom*

original-jade: What was—

Vex: *holds up a finger* Three, two, one…

Eren: WHAT THE HELL?!?!

Vex: Put it on or you get the scythe‼!

Eren: *grumbles*

Mikasa: What was in the box?

Vex: *smirks*

Mikasa: Tell me.

Vex: You’ll find out.

Eren: I hate you…*walks into room wearing really frilly maid outfit with fishnet stockings and a headpiece*

Levi: Mrrow?

Everyone else: *stares at Levi*

Eren: H-Heichou…

Levi: *realizes what he did* YOU HEARD NOTHING. *jumps behind couch*

original-jade: Huh. I just realized something.

Vex: That I’m not done reading the dare?

Eren: YOU AREN’T?!?

original-jade: That, and the fact that since this entire place is a manifestation of my memories—aka my mind—shouldn’t what I ship become reality?

Vex: Are you saying what I think you are?

original-jade: Basically. Now FINISH THE DARE.

Vex: Gladly.  
Eren, I dare you to wear the outfit for five days while calling Levi master.

Eren: WHAT.

Vex: You also have to be his man slave.

Eren: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

Vex: Nope. Now kidding.

Eren: AWWWW.

Levi: *pops out from behind the couch* Did you way that the brat has to call me Master for a WEEK?!?

Vex: Five days.

original-jade: Well, that’s a school week…

Levi: Ooooh God…

Eren: WHO CAME UP WITH THIS?!?

Vex: Me.

original-jade: Yay~ Eren has to wear it until the 15th~ Next dare~

Eren: OHOHOHO NO YOU DON’T. I wanna know how the HELL this thing was custom made if this is the first day of doing these dares!

original-jade: Easy. This house is my mind. I can do anything I want here. That includes making dresses that fir perfectly.

Eren: Um..

original-jade: Next dare already, geeze…*pulls out paper*  
Levi, I—*stops reading and squeals* OK, LEVI, C’MERE.

Levi: O_0 That doesn’t sound good…

Vex: Well, this isn’t either of our dares. It’s from our friend Galaxy. I have no idea what she’ll do if you refuse…

Armin: You all have some very interesting names…

original-jade: These aren’t our real names. They’re nicknames! Oh, and Levi, I DO know what Galaxy will do if you refuse so…*trails off with fear in eyes*

Levi: What do I have to do…

original-jade: *snaps back to reality* Just get in the closet!

Levi: WHA—*gets shoved in the closet*

Vex: *takes paper from me* Oh wow…Levi, looks like you’re playing Seven Minutes in Heaven—

original-jade: —with a very person. Whoever gets thrown in there is Galaxy’s request~

Vex: And she wants it to be…YOU! *grabs Eren and throws him in the closet*

original-jade: Vex, follow me! *goes down hall*

Vex: *follows* Where are we going?

original-jade: I turned the spare room into a security room! I’m already recording them!

Vex: FANTASTIC~

original-jade: I KNOW I AM! *turns attention to screen*

*Levi is shirtless, Eren’s dress is in the corner, and the two seem to be in a very, VERY heated make out session. It also appears that Eren is sitting Levi’s lap*

Galaxy: *sneaking in window* How’s it working?  
original-jade: Wonderfully~

Vex: --- Do you think you could…?

original-jade: Make the closet bigger? ^-^

Vex and Galaxy:…YES.

***cut to living room crew***

Mikasa: *muttering and cradling a pillow*

Hanji: *trying to calm down Mikasa*  
Sasha and Connie: *in the kitchen looking for fancy tuna*

Armin: Well…This got awkward fast…

Jean: It’s BEEN awkward…

Christa: Don’t forget that it’s only the first round. We have two more to go.

Ymir: Kyaaa, Christa, that’s the first thing I’ve heard you say all day!

Christa: It was…too crazy earlier.

Ymir: Kinda sad that everyone else gets a lot of action, don’t you think? *wiggles eyebrows*

Christa: *blushing furiously* Ymir!

***cut to security room crew***

Vex: The seven minutes is almost up…

original-jade: *trying to stop a nosebleed* Ok, ok, I’ll page them over the intercom…

Galaxy: You have an intercom?

original-jade: We do now. *holds down a button* Eren and Levi, your seven minutes are up. Please report back to the living room ASAP. Thank you. *releases button*

Vex: We should probably get back too…

original-jade: Ugh, just two seconds. I have to lock the door or else the tapes will be in danger.

Vex: Hurry up.

Galaxy: Send me a copy of those tapes!

original-jade: Will do! Bye Galaxy!

Galaxy: *climbing back out of window* Bye. I’ll be back.

***back in the living room***

Vex: *entering room* They aren’t out yet?

Jean: *snorts* What does it look like?

original-jade: Oh yay I didn’t miss their entrance!

Eren and Levi: *come back into room*

Jean: Heh, Eren actually came out the closet.

Eren: *dress magically repairs* Fuck you, Kirschtein.

original-jade: DON’T FIGHT UNTIL AFTER THE MAGICAL MUSIC ROUND.

Vex: To the backyard we go.

***backyard**

original-jade: Okey Dokey Loki~ Time for the Magical Music Round! Normally, I’d draw sticks for the category, but meme songs are easier PLUS something came to me in a dream. Soooo, Jean’s first! All you have to do is run laps around the yard as long as I’m playing the song!

Jean: Bullshit. I’m not running.

original-jade: ;~; *sniffles* You don’t…like my games?

Jean: *freezes* N-no, it’s not that…

original-jade: Y-you don’t like me do you?

Jean: No, I do, I do, it’s just—

original-jade: *cries*

Vex: FUCK. *hides in bushes*

Jean: I like you, ok? I just don’t see why I have to run for a music round…heh…

original-jade: *sniffs* So you aren’t mad?

Jean: No!

Vex: YOU JUST DUG YOUR OWN GRAVE.

original-jade: *evil look* Good. Now then, I’ll have to motivate you. The song’s title is why you have to run. And of course, I’ll have Carl running behind you. Word of warning, he’s fast.

Carl: I suggest you run.

Jean: *runs for his life*

Carl: *runs after him*

original-jade: First song, start! *Retarded Running Horse song starts playing*

Jean: OH THAT’S REEEEEAAAAAL MATURE.

Eren∷ *ROFLing*

original-jade: Maybe when you finish, I’ll let you live.

Jean: WHAT DID I DO?!?

original-jade: You made me show a weak side of myself.

Jean: OH COME ON‼!

Eren: *dying of laughter*

Vex: HE’S DONE ENOUGH! JUST LET HIM LIVE!

original-jade: Hmmm…Alright you can stop, Horseface. *turns off music* Thank you Carl.

Carl: No problem. *goes back to llama army*

Jean: THANK GOD.

Eren: *starts breathing again* Aw…That was funny…

original-jade: In exchange for running, however, you must wear this. *holds out THE horse mask*

Eren: He doesn’t need a mask…He already looks like a horse…

original-jade: Too bad.

Vex: *comes out of bushes* Well then.

original-jade: Next~ *pulls a stick out of this air*

Christa: How did you…?

Vex: Don’t ask. I don’t even know…

original-jade: HAHAHAHAAA!

Levi: Oh boy…

Vex: *grabs stick out of my hand* Wow, Levi, fate really like you today.

Levi: More like hates me…

original-jade: And the song…is…*pulls out another stick* PFFFFFFFFT XD

Vex: *reads stick* Holy shit…

original-jade: OI, NEKO!

Levi: *growls* What…

original-jade: *snaps fingers* I shall enjoy this XD

Levi: *now wearing a pink pop tart suit* DA FUCK?!?

Vex: NYAN CAT. GO! *music starts*

Levi: *scowls but does the nyan dance anyway* I—

original-jade: Nope~ You can’t say anything but “nya’ while the music’s playing.

Eren: *nose bleeds slightly* Bless your soul Jade.

Vex: Ok, I can’t tell if that’s actually you, Jade’s influence, or the seven minutes in heaven talking…and bleeding…

Levi: NYA!

Vex, Eren, and original-jade: *nosebleeds* KAWAII~

Eren: *realizes what he’s doing* GAH! *runs into house* I’M SORRY MASTER!

Vex: At least he’s still doing the dare.

original-jade: EEEERREEEEEEEN!

Eren: *yelps from inside* What?

original-jade: FRONT AND CENTER!

Eren: *shuffles outside to hear the music end*

Levi: God…That was torture…*pop tart suit disappears*

original-jade: No complaints! Next victim is—*pulls out another random stick and eyes widen* Craaaaaaap…

Vex: *reads stick* Group…? Why is there a group stick?

original-jade: There are only two songs that require group participation…either way, it means everyone, including us…*picks song stick* FOR THE LOVE OF LLAMAS.

Vex: What is it?

original-jade: HORSEFACE. START DANCING.

Jean: *muffled by horse mask* WHY?!?

original-jade: BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WITH A MASK ON.

Jean: What does that have to do with anything?

Vex: Apparently *Harlem Shake starts playing* everything…

Jean: *starts dancing* I hate you.

original-jade: I get that a lot…

Speakers: AND DO THE HARLEM SHAKE!

Everyone: *dancing like we’re high XD*

Vex: *music stops* Please tell me that the other group song isn’t next.

original-jade: Um…*grabs stick* Nope! It’s a duo! Christa and Ymir!

Vex: Duo? Really?

original-jade: Yep! It’s for only one song, so I don’t even have to draw!

Christa: What song is it?

original-jade: *turns up speakers really loud* My old ringtone!

Vex: FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUCK.*keeps screaming “fuck” as she runs into the house*

Ymir: What’s her problem?

original-jade: She hates this song. *starts Caramelldansen* Now DANCE YOU TWO DANCE!

Christa: Ooh~ *happily stats doing the dance*

Ymir: VEX WAIT FOR ME!

Christa: *grabs Ymir* DANCE.

Ymir: o_0 Ok… *reluctantly dances*

Everyone else: *stunned by Christa’s outburst*

Vex: *still screaming “fuck” like a madman*

original-jade: *singing along* Dansa med osss, Klappa era hnder, Gr som vi gr, Ta ngra steg t vnster, Lyssna och Ir, Missa inte chanson, Nu r vi hr med, Caramelldansen!

Levi: You speak Swedish?

original-jade: No. I learned the song. I did the same thing with a few Japanese songs but I don’t speak Japanese either.

Armin: Now THAT’S dedication.

original-jade: I know ^-^ *song ends* Awww…I was having fun…

Christa: I like that song!

Ymir: I DON’T!

Vex: *stops screaming and reappears like a normal person* Huuuuuurrrry uuuup.

original-jade: Are you ok?

Vex: No…it’s in my head…

original-jade: Ooook? Moving on! *’nother stick XD* Annnnnd…another duo? Wait…oh damn…

Ymir: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

Vex: I COULD’VE BEEN SPARED THAT HORROR?!?

original-jade: Oh well. *stickity stick stick* Ooh! Everyone, to the dining room!

Sasha: FOOD‼!

original-jade: No, Sasha, it’s just where the piano is.

Sasha: Awww…

Eren: Piano? Why do we need—*realization* THE OTHER DUO SONG IS KEYBOARD CAT ISN’T IT?!?

original-jade: Yeppers~

Vex: Who are the wonderful victims?

original-jade:…

Vex: What does it say?

original-jade: Me and Armin…

Vex: WHY ARE YOU IN THERE?

original-jade: I DUNNO DX

Vex: Start the music already…

Armin: What exactly are we doing?

original-jade: Get on your knees in front of the piano.

Armin: *complies to my will*

original-jade: *starts music and grabs Armin’s hands, moving them up and down the keys*

Vex: Why am I amused by this XD

Armin: This is awkward…

Mikasa: *holds up video camera, sees Eren shaking his head, and puts it down*

original-jade: This would’ve been even funnier if Levi was doing this XD

Levi: *hisses* Stop with the cat jokes‼!

Hanji: Ah, c’mon Levi! It’s hilarious XD

Levi: *growls*

Vex: Lighten up, will ya? It’ll wear off soon! *music stops* Ah, it’s over…

original-jade: *lets go of Armin’s arms* That was the last song, so back to living room! *sprints off*

Vex: Wait for me, Jade…

***living room***

Jean: Can I take off this fucking mask now?!?

original-jade: Hmm…I guess. Just because I’m feeling nice.

Vex: Aw…the mask was funny…

Jean: SHUT IT!

Vex: *glares*

Jean: *hides in terror*

original-jade: Yay! Bonus Choice! Vex said a lot but what she didn’t say is that whatever we make guys you do, we have to do it too. If we have guests in the show, then even they do it!, we have to do it too. If we have guests in the show, then even they do it! Vex, you’re up!

Vex: Christmas sweaters. We shall wear Christmas sweaters.

original-jade: I hate you…Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to make 500 llama sized sweaters?

Armin: Why would you need 500 llama sized sweaters?

original-jade: You’ll find out later! Now let me concentrate! *makes everyone suddenly wear Christmas sweaters*

Eren: WHY IS MY SWEATER OVER THE DRESS?!?

Vex: Just because you have to wear a sweater doesn’t mean you get to stop wearing the dress.

Jean: *mutters about horse themed sweater*

Levi: *looking pissed*

original-jade: *playing with singing fox sweater*

Hanji: Jade…Does that count as a Christmas sweater? (^-^;)

original-jade: The fox has earmuffs and a scarf, so yes, yes it does.

original-jade’s sweater: Ring ning ning ning ning ning ning ning~

original-jade: So fun!

Vex: Stop it. For the love of God, stop it!

Levi: I have to agree with Vex on this one. That fucking fox is annoying.

original-jade: *suddenly right in front of Levi glaring him down* DON’T insult Ylvis.

Vex: Jade, your turn. I think we’ve tortured our resident neko enough for today.

original-jade: *backs up* Ok…I’ll be right back~ *runs to backyard*

Vex: Oh dear…

original-jade: *yelling* C’MON OUT TO THE BACKYARD!

Everyone: *shuffles outside to see 500 llamas in Christmas sweaters*

original-jade: *climbs on Carl’s back* I’ve already assigned llamas. They have sweaters that match yours. Vex, you’ll be riding Paul. *watches everyone find their llamas*

Eren: You gave the llama a dress to wear under its sweater?

original-jade: It helped you find you llama, didn’t it?

Eren: *shuts up*

original-jade: Now, STAMPEDE!

—FIN—

***Bonus-Christmas Sweater Designs***

original-jade: singing fox with scarf and earmuffs

Vex: a scythe

Eren: a Christmas tree with 3DMG ornaments

Mikasa: a picture of her and Eren as kids

Armin: a book

Jean: a cartoon horse wearing a Santa hat wrapped in Christmas lights

Sasha: a potato wearing a Santa hat

Connie: just you average Christmas sweater

Levi: light-up Christmas colored feather duster

Hanji: a beaker half filled with a green liquid

Till next time~


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [8/16/14] Originally posted in late June.

original-jade: *mutters and taps iPad*

Levi: What the fuck are you doing?

original-jade: *iPad beeps* FUCK. *throws iPad across the room*

Vex: Flappy Bird?

original-jade: NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN.

Eren: O_o

Vex: We have a show to do, Jade...

original-jade: ...Welcome to my mind palace.

Levi: That's nice.

Vex: Hold on. *smacks me with negima* DO THE DISCLAIMER!

original-jade: *pouts* Me no own Attack on Titan...

Hanji: If you keep acting like this, do I get to experiment on you?

original-jade: *comes back to reality* HEEEELLLLL NAW. It's question time!

Levi: Joy.

original-jade: First one's for Levi!  
Levi,  
WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?  
~HollowMistress

Levi: Why the FUCK would anyone ask that?!

original-jade: Because she is my best friend and has a valid point.

Levi:...I am highly offended by this.

Vex: *sighs* Next is for Jean.  
Neigh?  
~Lapsing-Sanity

Jean: -_- Enough with the horse jokes.

original-jade: There can never be enough horse jokes.

Jean: Fuck you.

original-jade: Don't whore yourself out, Jean.

Jean: O_o

original-jade: Ok! Next one's for...Mikasa!  
Has anyone ever pulled the "mi casa" joke in light of your name?  
~Drunkkyo

Mikasa: *pulls out sombrero* Multiple times...

Armin: Where'd you get the sombrero...?

Mikasa: Fans, Armin. Crazed fans.

Vex: Um, hi?

Mikasa: I'm not saying that you're all crazy.

Vex: Good. Now a question for Armin.  
Do you secretly think dark and violent thoughts about the people around you?  
~Lapsing-Sanity

Armin: Um...

Ymir: *raises eyebrows*

Armin:...I....once?

original-jade: Ooh! Wanna join my Fans of Violence club :D

Armin: Ah, no thank you...

original-jade: Oh....next question is for Hanji!  
Do you think Levi thought you were a bit weird when he first met you?  
~Drunkkyo

Hanji: Nah.

Levi: Where were you for the last five years?

Hanji: *shrugs*

Vex: Um... Next question...  
Levi,  
Would you rather be covered in titan blood or make out with Eren?  
~HollowMistress

Levi: Alright, I'm about to beat the FUCK out of this HollowMistress chick.

HollowMistress: *floats down from big shadowy vortex thingy* You can try.

original-jade: Hello sweetie!

HollowMistress: T-THE HELL GEM?

original-jade: *shrugs* I've been watching Doctor Who.

Vex: Gem?

original-jade: Yeeeees. Remember when I got all mad when you called me Jade the first time?

Vex: Um...

original-jade: It's because I go by Gem. "Original" is my offline personality and "Jade" is my internet personality. Overall, I'm Gem ^-^

Vex: *tries to change the subject* Levi still hasn't answered the question.

HollowMistress: *sighs* Right. *turns to Levi* I'm gonna make this more interesting; Either pull that rope to let a bucket of titan blood fall on your head *points at random rope* or kiss Eren. That's how you'll answer.

Levi: *hesitates*

original-jade, Vex, HollowMistress: *watch intently*

Levi: *grabs Eren and kisses him*

Eren: o////o

Mikasa: *tears sombrero in half*

original-jade, Vex, HollowMistress: *rejoice*

Levi: ...Happy?

original-jade: *still squealing*

Vex: YES

HollowMistress: GEM CALM DOWN.

original-jade: Otay :3

Connie: "Otay"?

original-jade: YUSH

HollowMistress: *glares*

original-jade: *calms down*

Vex: Um  
Levi,  
Does it bother you that you're wearing white pants even though you're doing a dirty job?  
~Drunkkyo

Levi: You have no idea, bitch.

HollowMistress: Do I hear Levi being sassy?

original-jade: HEEEEEY XD

Vex: THAT WAS PERFECT.

Eren: Why exactly are we all here again?

Vex and HollowMistress: For the show!

original-jade: For the fanser...SHOW!

Everyone: *stares*

original-jade: What? *innocent head tilt*

HollowMistress: Nothing...

Vex: So are you just staying here or are gonna leave like Galaxy did?

HollowMistress: I was busy before but I'm co-hosting this thing now.

Levi: Great.

HollowMistress: *holds out battle axe* Any complaints?

Armin: NOPE. NONONONONO. 

HollowMistress: *puts axe away* Good.

Vex: Moving...on...  
Hanji,  
So I heard you were dating a titan. Is this true?  
~Lapsing-Sanity

Hanji: HAHAHAHAHA NO XD

Christa: It kinda is a logical question...

Hanji: *laughing her ass off*

original-jade: Heeeey, another questi-o-nay!  
Eren,  
DO YA LIKE IT UP DA BOOTY?  
~Galaxy

Eren: *falls off couch* WHAT THE FUCKDFJAIVHICJDNICJRHGALCKGIOANFO

Vex: *shrugs* It's Galaxy for crying out loud. You never know with her.

Eren: *twitches*

original-jade: Whelp, that was the last of the questions. The dares have, ah, an interesting twist this time around, so everyone has to stay for the night! You are all welcome to roam the palace while we wait for morning!

Sasha: Roam the palace?

original-jade: I wasn't kidding when I said 'Welcome to my mind palace.' This house and the surrounding land is actually just one room of the palace. It’s not actually in my mind, but I call it my mind palace because a lot of the rooms are influenced by my mind.

Ymir: NO FUCKING WAY.

original-jade: I have a lot of free time that I use to develop it.

Vex: Why does this not surprise me? 

Sparta: *walks in front door* Hey, Gem, I finished filing that paperwor—OH MY GOD YOU'RE BROADCASTING I'M SORRY.

original-jade: Whoa, Sparta, calm down. I was actually gonna send for you. It's slumber party time!

Armin: HOW MANY MORE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SHOW UP?

Sparta: Ah, I'm Gem's assistant. I asked if I could help out in any way and got hired!

original-jade: Yeppers! And Armin, that should be all for today.

HollowMistress: Are we gonna go mind roaming now?

original-jade: *evil grin* Yes, yes we are, my preciouses.....my precious...*keeps muttering like Gollum*

Jean: SOMEONE SHUT HER UP!

Vex: *smacks with negima*

original-jade: KEEP YOUR BARBECUE TO YOURSELF.

Vex: *shrugs* It works. 

original-jade: *pulls out black bag* Ok, if we're going to roam my mind, I need to set down a few rules that I know you guys didn't read in the waivers. 

Levi: DAMMIT GEM.

original-jade: Shut it, Shorty, and take a remote. *pulls out multiple one button remotes*

Levi: SHORTY?!? I'M SWEAR I'M GOING TO--

Carl: I would be careful if I were you.

HollowMistress: *holds up axe*

Vex: *holds up Senka*

Levi: *falters*

original-jade: *passes out remotes* Okey dokey, just press the button when you find a room that you want to know more about. And stay out of the kitchen.

Sasha: *sobbing*

HollowMistress: Why?

original-jade: Reasons. 

Everyone: *stares*

original-jade: And the food shortage...

Everyone: *stares harder*

original-jade: And I need to have enough left over to bribe Allen with...

HollowMistress: AS IN ALLEN WALKER?!? WHAT XD

original-jade: Yes, now STFU!

Hanji: Who's Allen Walker?

original-jade: You'll find out if you find the anime room!

Vex: Um...

original-jade: It's where my favorite series are stored in my mind. You guys can watch anything in there, although I don't recommend watching yourselves...That would be awkward...

Sparta: Let's just go! *sprints out door*

original-jade: TO THE MIND PALACE!!!

Vex: I THOUGHT WE WERE ALREADY IN THE MIND PALACE. 

original-jade: WE ARE. 

HollowMistress: WHY ARE WE YELLING?

original-jade: I DUNNO.

Levi: SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. 

original-jade: *pushes out door* I HOPE YOU FIND THE FANFICTION ROOM. MAY YOU BE ETERNALLY SCARRED.

HollowMistress: What? Last time I was here--

Connie: YOU WERE HERE BEFORE?!?!

HollowMistress: *ignores* --it was the fanfic room, not the fanfiction room.

original-jade: They are two different rooms. The fanfic room is where you can watch the fanfics I write like a movie while the fanfiction room is where you can watch my favorite fanfics written by other people :3

Vex: Is it just AOT?

original-jade: Pfffft, it's any fanfic I have.

Vex: *speeds out door* KONOKURO KONOKURO KONOKURO KONOKURO KONOKURO

HollowMistress: *follows* LAVEN

original-jade: *running while dragging everyone else* NO. SOMETHING WE ALL AGREE ON. RIIIIIREEEEEN X3

Eren: What are you talking about?

Christa: *smiling shyly* Those are shipping names...Combinations of the names of those involved...

Ymir: HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS

Christa: I got lost on my way here last time and found the...uh...fangirl room...

original-jade: Ah, yes, the fangirl room. Set one foot in there and you'll know everything you could ever want to know about the world of fangirling.

Mikasa: What shippings were those?

original-jade: Vex is obsessed with Konoha x Kuroha from Kagero Project, Mistress was referring to Allen x Lavi from D. Gray Man, and I was talking about a certain pairing we've seen twice so far here on the show!

Eren: *pales* AUUUGGGGGH

Vex: Heh. Somebody just understood what you were saying.

original-jade: DISPERSE MY FRIENDS. *flails hands about in the air* YOU HAVE FOUND THE MAIN CORRIDOR. 

Armin: What is this place?!?

Vex: *gaping* The...mind...palace...

original-jade: Teehee!

***The new setting is a drastic change from the living room in the memory room. A giant blue crystal hall stands in front of the cast with large oak doors on each side that lead to the different rooms***

Ymir: Holy shit...

HollowMistress: Guys, a word of advice. If you see a door labeled 'hole', stay out of there.

Vex: Oh God. Don't remind me.

Jean: Why?

Vex: If you enter that room you will drown in your own sorrow.

Armin: Hey, where'd Gem go?

HollowMistress: ...DAMMIT SHE'S IN THE ABYSS.

Vex: I FOUND HER LAST TIME. YOU GO.

Armin: Abyss?

Vex: THE ABYSS IS WORSE THAN THE HOLE. ITS DOOR IS IN THE HOLE.

***half an hour of searching later and Connie is the only one left with the hostesses***

Vex: I am NEVER...doing that...again.

original-jade: *staring blankly into space*

Connie: Should I be concerned?

original-jade: Eh? *sees flashing light* Oh, someone pressed the button.

HollowMistress: Where?

original-jade: In...OH MY GOD. LEVI FOUND THE CRACK ROOM. *speeds off*

Vex: CONNIE YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN. *follows*

HollowMistress: Crack room? This'll be good XD *follows*

Connie: *now alone* Guys?!? I really don't wanna be left alone in here!

***with Levi***

original-jade: LEEEEVIIIIIIII *running full speed*

Levi: SLOW THE FUCK DOWN WOMAN

Armin: Gem, there's a--

original-jade: *runs into door*

Armin: --door there...

Vex: Oh Gem...

HollowMistress: ARMIN YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ROOM.

Armin: And now I'm scared o.o

original-jade: *holding forehead* Don't be! The crack room is just as the name implies!

Levi: ...I swear if this is a room full of pot...

original-jade: Lol, no you silly bamboozle. Crack as in crack videos. I have one series of crack vids that you two MUST see! *pushes them into the room*

Vex: 5 shoes?

original-jade: Yes, the 5 shoes series. But we're starting from the beginning XD *puts on 'Everybody Loves Armin' and leaves room*

HollowMistress: Wait, let's listen to their reactions XD

Armin: *muffled by door* YOU THREE ARE MAKING ME RETHINK SOME OF MY LIFE CHOICES.

Levi: *also muffled* Why the fuck does Mikasa sound like a guy?

Vex: It's a crack vid. Now STFU AND WATCH.

HollowMistress: Gem, the bag is glowing...

original-jade: *checks bag* Gah...three lights... We'll have to split up...

Vex: Uh, I don't know what's in your mind actually...

original-jade: Then I'll send you to my ball pit. 

Vex: THE FUCK?!?

original-jade: It's a ball pit...That's it...

HollowMistress: *pushes Vex away* Where shall I go?

original-jade: ...

HollowMistress: Gem...

original-jade: Either the pink room or yandere room...

HollowMistress: DAMMIT

original-jade: I kinda wanna go to the yandere room so...

HollowMistress: NO. NOT AGAIN. PINK. UGH.

original-jade: But you have toooooooooooo.

HollowMistress: ...

original-jade: Would you do it for sushi?

HollowMistress: *sulks towards pink room*

original-jade: Teehee! *skips off towards the yandere room*

***with Vex***

Vex: Ball pit...ball pit...Where are you...

Mikasa: *sees Vex* Ah, it's over here.

Vex: You're the one interested in the ball pit?

Mikasa: I don't understand the name.

Vex: Oh for...come on. *opens door* It's a pit filled with little plastic balls. You just jump around in it.

Mikasa: *picks up a ball* And this is fun?

Vex: It's mostly just for little kids...and apparently Gem...who has the mentality of a kindergartener...

Mikasa: *throws ball at Vex*

Vex: *falls into pit* What was that for?!? *returns fire*

Mikasa: *falls in* I guess this is kind of fun.

Both: *flop around and throw balls at each other*

***with HollowMistress***

HollowMistress: Why...why pink...why oh why oh why...

Christa: Well, I don't think this needs to be explained, but why is it here? Are there other color rooms?

HollowMistress: No, this is the only one... Um...It's kinda like a roller coaster ride, but...just pink. There’re a lot of YouTube references in here too…

Christa: Sounds fun!

Ymir: *walking up* Pink? Pink is fun?

HollowMistress: YMIR YOU UNDERSTAND YES THANK GOD

Christa: C'mon! *drags Ymir and HollowMistress*

Ymir and HollowMistress: *groans*

***with Gem aka the lovely owner of the mind***

original-jade: *singing in an eerily happy tone that doesn’t match the words* Yandere, yandere, teehee hee hee hee. Yandere, yandere, oh I hope it’s me! Yandere, yandere, I need someone to kill. Yandere, yandere, to build up my body hill!

Jean and Eren: *stop arguing long enough to stare at me in horror*

original-jade: Eh? What’s wrong? You two only stop fighting when someone yells at you.

Jean: What kind of song was that?

original-jade: Oh, my yandere song! I made it up. Um, you do know what yandere means, don’t you?

Eren: No? That’s why I pressed the button…

original-jade: *visibly disappointed* Yandere is a type of character where they go kind of insane and torture, maim, kill, “send on vacation”, etc. anyone who seems like a danger to their crush.

Jean: O_O

Eren: UM *runs*

Jean: I’m just gonna…*runs other direction*

original-jade: Awww…no one’s interested? Oh well. *continues singing* Yandere, yandere, do you have a knife? Yandere, yandere, I’ll cut through your life! Yan—oh, it’s getting late, isn’t it? Can’t wait too long for the dares! *uses intercom wristwatch* MEET IN FRONT OF THE SLUMBER PARTY ROOM.

***ten minutes later in front of the slumber party room***

Sasha: Why was the kitchen the one room we couldn’t go in? *sobbing*

original-jade: Shhhh, there’s food waiting. Since you’re staying here longer, I kinda have to feed you…

Sasha: OH THANK GOD. *lunges at door which I am in front of*

original-jade: AHH BAD SASHA! *pelts in the face with a potato* Anyway, this room is like the memory room; it’s like a small three room house. Boys on the left, girls on the right, hosts and Carl in the hall between them. There’s a back room, too, but that’ll just be used tonight as a dining room.

Sparta: *coming out of room* The pizza’s all set up, Gem. Send them in!

original-jade: Ready….set….LET SASHA IN SO YOU DON’T GET TRAMPLED.

Everyone: *moves out of the way*

Sasha: *lunges to that back room*

Connie: Yeah... Don’t fuck with Sasha’s food.

HollowMistress: Why pizza? You know I don’t like pizza, Gem…

original-jade: *holds up tray of sushi*

HollowMistress: Alrighty then.

***everyone eats in a strangely calm peace and then separates into the sleeping arrangements announced earlier***

original-jade, Vex, HollowMistress: *tiptoes over to Armin*

Vex: *whispering* Mistress, cover his mouth while Gem and I grab him.

HollowMistress: *also whispering* Got it.

Vex: *counts down with fingers*

original-jade, Vex, HollowMistress: *steals Armin*

Armin: *shoots awake and tries to break free*

original-jade: *whispers again lol* Stop fighting. This is for your dare.

Armin: *stops fighting and lets us carry him to the back room*

Vex: Alright, ready?

Armin: I guess? But why did you have to wake me up?

HollowMistress: This dare is why we had to have you all stay the night.  
Armin,  
Steal Mikasa’s scarf while she’s sleeping.  
~Lapsing-Sanity

Armin: Are you insane?!?!?!?!?!? I’ll get killed!

original-jade: Ah, just do it you wuss.

Armin: …A-alright……*goes to girl’s room*

original-jade, Vex, HollowMistress: *follow*

Armin: *lightly grabs the edge of the scarf*

Mikasa: *twitches in sleep*

Armin: *pulls barely*

Mikasa: *no reaction*

Armin: *yanks and RUNS IN FEAR OF HELL BREAKING LOOSE*

original-jade, Vex, HollowMistress: *run to the boys’ room*

Mikasa: *wakes up* AAAARRRMIIIIINNNN

Armin: *yelps and runs to back room*

Mikasa: *follows*

Armin: *various screams*

Mikasa: YOU ARE DEAD.

Armin: *sCREAMING*

Everyone: *waking up*

Eren: I heard yelling. What’s happening?

original-jade: *smiling at hearing screams* Armin’s dare was to steal Mikasa’s scarf in her sleep!

Eren: Oh, is that al—WHAT?!?! HE’S GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON’T STOP HER.

Vex: She won’t actually kill him.

Eren: SHE HAS KILLED BECAUSE OF THAT SCARF BEFORE.

HollowMistress: What o_o

original-jade: Shit. CARL. COMMERCIALS. NOW.

Carl: Right-o.

***COMMERCIAL BREAK***

“Gem’s Dere songs! Including hits like the Yandere Song and the Tsundere Song! Order now!”

“Shadow Vortexes—be transported anywhere instantly! (If you aren’t afraid of the dark)”

“Potatoes.”

***COMMERCIAL BREAK OVER***

Mikasa: *nuzzling face into scarf*

Armin: *lying on the floor with many small cuts*

Vex: I thought he’d come out worse than he did…

Armin: *wheezes*

Mikasa: *still face nuzzling* They’re short but deep.

original-jade: oH.

Hanji: *pokes Armin* I think he needs medical attention.

HollowMistress: Eh, wrap him up in some bandages and send him back to bed.

original-jade: *snaps fingers* Carl, do your stuff.

Carl: Will do. *nods head in Armin’s direction*

Armin: *now covered head to toe in bandages*

original-jade: Okey dokey, now we can do the rest in the morning!

Vex: Why not now?

original-jade: I have a plan…hehe…hehehe…haha…aHAHAHA

Vex: *slaps with negima*

original-jade: STAHP THAT

Vex: No :3

HollowMistress: BACK TO BED IDIOTS *slaps both of us*

***morning back in the memory room’s living room***

Levi: *still somewhat tired* Oi.

original-jade: Hm?

Levi: If we’re going to do this this early, can I at least get some tea? And I don’t trust you or Hanji in the kitchen.

original-jade: *puffs cheeks* Fine. Eren, you do it.

Eren: WHY ME

original-jade: You’re probably one of the only ones here that knows how to get it just right.

Armin: *muffled by bandages* She has a point.

original-jade: Oh, and seeing as I’m not allowed in my own kitchen, *glares at Levi* I made a list of where things are located. *hands Eren a piece of paper*

Eren: Uh, thanks. *takes paper and goes into the kitchen*

HollowMistress: *vortexes into kitchen* Pssst.

Eren: *whispers* What?

HollowMistress: It’s time for your dare.

Eren: Oh no.

HollowMistress: Oh yes.  
Eren,  
Spike Levi’s tea.  
~Lapsing-Sanity

Eren: Whoever this Lapsing-Sanity person is has a death wish.

HollowMistress: Just do it. Here. *pulls out really strong tequila*

Eren: Now you have a death wish…*takes bottle and does it anyway*

HollowMistress: *vortexes into living room*

Hanji: Where were you?

HollowMistress: Woke up late.

Eren: *walks in* Got it.

Levi: Finally. *takes tea*

original-jade, Vex, HollowMistress: *stare intently*

Levi: What are you staring at? *downs the tea*

Mikasa: Your faces tell me you did something.

Jean: Stop scaring us.

original-jade: Waiiiit…Oh damn…There’s a question I forgot to ask…

Vex: Really?

original-jade: Yeah. Shhh.  
Levi,  
How’s that tea tasting?  
~Lapsing-Sanity

Levi: Why is the world spinning?

Ymir: WHAT

HollowMistress: OH GOD HE’S A LIGHTWEIGHT

Connie: WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Eren: I GOT DARED TO SPIKE HIS TEA

original-jade: *filming* Hey, Levi! Act like a dog!

Levi: *curls up into couch* Arf…

Vex: *nosebleeds* Oh my god we need to do this more often…

HollowMistress: Wait omg he has a dare  
Levi,  
Full make out session with Eren in front of everyone.  
~Kat

Mikasa: *tries tearing a pillow*

original-jade: *tries to get pillow back*

Vex: GO EREN *pushes Eren on Levi*

Eren: Wha? *gets pulled down*

Levi: *kisses Eren very drunkly*

Vex: *filming with my forgotten camera* WOOT

Mikasa: *holding pillow in my face*

original-jade: *being choked*

HollowMistress: *trying to pry Mikasa off of me*

Jean: uM GUYS THIS IS AWKWARD

original-jade: *muffled screams*

Eren: *not fighting Levi*

Levi: *still drunkly kissing Eren*

original-jade: *manages to free face from pillow* Yeah, um…we need to hurry up…this first round…has become…as long as…the first broadcast…MIKASA STOP WITH THE PILLOW LET ME BREATHE.

Mikasa: *pulls pillow back slightly*

Vex: *regrettably pulls Eren away from Levi*

original-jade: Oh…geeze… A FEW MORE DARES.  
Levi,  
Play mud volleyball.  
~PurplegakupoHeart

Levi: Mud? Pffft…no thanks.

Ymir: How is he this drunk from one spiked cup of tea?

Christa: I don’t get it…

original-jade: WHELP TOO BAD BUDDY YOU’RE PLAYIN’ VOLLEYBALL WITH ME NOW.

Vex: *sighs* To the backyard…

***the backyard now has a mud volleyball pit***

original-jade: *pushing Levi towards the pit* C’mon, you’ve gotta do it.

Levi: Dun wanna.

original-jade: Oh for crying out loud…*throws Levi in the pit and walks to other side of the net* One on one. First to five points wins. Carl, be the ref.

Carl: You bet. *now wearing ref’s hat*

Levi: *weak glares*

original-jade: Wake up! *spikes ball*

Levi: *tries to run away from the splashing mud and falls over*

Carl: Point to Gem! But I don’t believe there is any point playing with him as long as he is under the influence.

Vex: Hehe, puns.

original-jade: FINE. Hanji, get him out of there.

Hanji: *pulling Levi out* Why is the mud red?

original-jade: It’s blood mud :3

Everyone: O_O

original-jade: I thought you got used to my weirdness by now…

HollowMistress: MORE LIKE VIOLENCE

original-jade: Same difference.

Vex: Yeah, with you there is no difference. Anyways,  
Mikasa,  
Dress up in a lollipop dress complete with a parasol, a basket of candy, and pink cats trailing behind. Bonus points if Eren and Armin dance around behind you in tutus and ribbons.  
~PurplegakupoHeart

Mikasa: What.

Armin: *still muffled by bandages* I don’t know if I can dance at all right now.

Eren: Do we have to dance even though that was added on as a bonus part of the dare?

original-jade: *pushing mud off head* Hmmm…well with Armin’s condition…no, I guess not. BUT. Mikasa, here ya go! *snaps fingers*

Mikasa: What’re you—*now wearing said outfit with pink cats winding around her legs* WHAT

original-jade: Well meh to you too. Let’s see…*summons up dare list* One for Mistress? Hmm…*reads and blushes* AH. FUCK. BURN IT. BURN IT.

HollowMistress: What’s wrong with it? *reads and blushes* BURN IT WITH FIRE. BURN IT WITH DRAGON FIRE.

Vex: Guys, c’mon, it can’t be that bad. *tries to grab paper*

HollowMistress: NO. *vortexes paper away* NOT DOING THAT. I DON’T CARE IF KAT COMES AFTER ME WITH HER ELVEN DAGGERS. NOT HERE.

original-jade: *mutters* But…

HollowMistress: NOT HERE.

original-jade: *pouts* Well, that’s all the dares then.

Vex: We’re still in the backyard…so straight to the Magical Music Round?

original-jade: Yep. Today it’s my entire iTunes library. I just stick it on shuffle and whatever plays is what we do. *pulls out popsicle stick* First up—Eren! And your song is…*plugs laptop into speakers and hits play* Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm!

Eren: What do I do?

original-jade: Take on the personality portrayed by the song! 

As he came into the window  
Was a sound of a crescendo  
He came into her apartment  
He left the bloodstains on the carpet  
She was sitting at the table  
He could see she was unable  
So she ran into the bedroom  
She was struck down  
It was her doom

Annie, are you OK  
Are you OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
You OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie

Annie, are you OK  
Will you tell us that you're OK  
There's a sign at the window  
That he struck you  
A crescendo, Annie  
He came into your apartment  
He left the bloodstains on the carpet  
Then you ran into the bedroom  
You were struck down  
It was your doom

Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
You've been hit by  
You've been struck by  
A smooth criminal

So they came into the outway  
It was Sunday  
What a black day  
I could made a salutation  
Sounding heartbeats  
Intimidations

Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie

Annie, are you OK  
Will you tell us that you're OK  
There's a sign at the window  
That he struck you  
A crescendo, Annie  
He came into your apartment  
He left the bloodstains on the carpet  
Then you ran into the bedroom  
You were struck down  
It was your doom

Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
You've been hit by  
You've been struck by  
A smooth criminal

Annie, are you OK  
Will you tell us that you're OK  
There's a sign at the window  
That he struck you  
A crescendo, Annie  
He came into your apartment  
He left the bloodstains on the carpet  
Then you ran into the bedroom  
You were struck down  
It was your doom

Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie

original-jade: For this…a trickster who never gets caught, since we can’t have a murder. *snaps fingers*

Eren: *freezes*

Jean: I’m not complaining or anything, but is he ok?

Vex: He’ll be fine. This different personality lasts for the whole round.

Eren: Hehe…*disappears*

Jean: WHAT THE FUCK

original-jade: Did you even hear me? “a trickster who never gets caught” HE CAN DISAPPEAR WHY DID I DO THAT

Jean: Seriou—JDSGHA *horse mask drops onto his face from the tree*

Eren: *snickers from in the tree branches*

Vex: That’ll be annoying…

original-jade: Yeah…*music stops* OOH! I almost forgot! I got a request from Black-mixed mouse earlier. Armin! You’re a pixie for the round! *snaps fingers*

Armin: *becomes as tiny as Tinker Bell and gets glittery wings*

Vex: Oh god…

Armin: *voice is too tiny to be heard*

HollowMistress: HE SQUEAKS

Armin: *squeaking intensifies*

original-jade: Shhh. Who’s next…*popsicle stick lolz* Oh…lol Armin. Not sorry. And…*presses play* “Sharp Dressed Man” by ZZ Top.

Connie: …Wait. He’s already a pixie, and you’re going to put him in a suit.

original-jade: Just listen to the lyrics for a bit…

Clean shirt, new shoes  
And I don't know where I am goin' to.  
Silk suit, black tie,  
I don't need a reason why.

They come runnin' just as fast as they can  
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

Gold watch, diamond ring,  
I ain't missin' not a single thing.  
And cuff links, stick pin,  
When I step out I'm gonna do you in.

They come runnin' just as fast as they can  
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

Top coat, top hat,  
I don't worry 'cause my wallet's fat.  
Black shades, white gloves,  
Lookin' sharp and lookin' for love.

They come runnin' just as fast as they can  
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

Armin: *now in outfit described by song*

Every girl including our hostesses: KYAAAAAAA

Jean: *picks up Armin* CONTROL YOURSELVES.

Connie: IT’S BECAUSE OF THE SONG

original-jade: *snaps to reality* Song! That’s it! *new stick* YMIR! Your song shall be…*waits for iTunes to go to next song* uh…THE MADNESS OF DUKE VENOMANIA?!?!

Vex: This actually fits her character pretty well…

HollowMistress: Doesn’t this last until the end of the round?

original-jade: YES.

Armin: *hiding behind Jean’s fingers as to not catch the girls’ attention*

Ymir: *smirks at Christa* Well?

Christa: *sits at Ymir’s side*

[[Translated Lyrics]]

A beautiful woman has come to visit me again today  
You have a smile on your face; I'll make you my new wife  
I got this power from a contract I made with a forbidden evil  
All women who look at me continue to fall in fascination

He gained the ability to fascinate women  
The man lives alone in the basement of his mansion  
He brings in the women he likes one after another  
And has made a harem

The taste of libido hid the poison, the pleasure of the sword was thrust  
The blood and sweat that blends together will before long change to purple drops  
By throwing off our clothes and embracing each other, they can never again return to reality

I have burned the portrait of former times and abandoned the me of the past  
Everyone would mock and laugh at me; I want to forget those faces  
I hold the cute girl beside me and give her a kiss  
She was really someone from my childhood who had made fun of me long ago

One day, the woman bordering throughout the country  
One after another, dazed, would leave unnoticed  
People were puzzled by the loss of their wives and daughters

In darkness dyed the colour of libido, the infinite pleasure never ends  
Understanding all there is to the fantasy, I'm no longer what makes a person  
Disobeying God with depravity, this is the night of madness I had hoped for

A beautiful woman has come to visit me again today  
Come hither and—

original-jade: *pauses music* If I let this get to the end, then someone’s gonna end up murdering Ymir and we can’t have that…

Levi: *rolling around on a towel* Woo…murder…

Vex: How is he still drunk.

HollowMistress: That was strong tequila.

original-jade: Well. *sticky stick* CONNIE!

Connie: NO.

original-jade: *skips the rest of Ymir’s song and hits play* “Hello” by Evanescence!

Vex: Sometimes I think your music is more diverse than your mind and then I remember how crazy you are.

original-jade: Shhh, listen.

Playground school bell rings again  
Rain clouds come to play again  
Has no one told you she's not breathing?  
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to  
Hello

If I smile and don't believe  
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream  
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken  
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide  
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping  
Hello, I'm still here  
All that's left of yesterday

Connie: So what exactly does that mean?

original-jade: Voices in your head X3 *snaps fingers*

Connie: *freezes and then joins Levi on the towel*

Eren: *jumps down from the tree, steal the towel, and goes back up*

Mikasa: This day is starting to get really weird.

Sasha: Ya think?

Jean: Let’s see here…We’ve got a drunk corporal, Eren-the-prankster-that-would’ve-been-a-murderer-without-the-waivers, Armin-the-sharply-dressed-pixie, Ymir-the-manager-of-her-own-mini-harem-who-has-Christa-wrapped-around-her-finger, and Connie-who-has-voices-in-his-head. What’s next?

original-jade: Um *stick appears* Hanji. Oh dear… *presses play* Gangnam Style!

HollowMistress: NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE WORDS MEAN!

Hanji: DOESN’T MATTER! I’M DANCING XD *does really bad Gangnam Style dance*

original-jade: ME TOO! *professional level dancing*

Vex: Wait…is this Kagamine Len’s version?!?!

original-jade: *doing the elevator scene with Hanji* Yep ^-^

Hanji: *back to bad dancing for the chorus* Wouldn’t this be funnier as a group?

original-jade: Yeah, but the stick said you.

Jean: Then why are you dancing?

original-jade: Pffft I always dance to this song regardless.

HollowMistress: In case you didn’t see, there is a room in her mind devoted to PSY.

Vex: THAT’S ALL FIVE SONGS. TURN EVERYONE BACK PLEASE. YMIR IS GIVING ME REALLY WEIRD LOOKS.

original-jade: *unplugs speakers* Fine. *snaps fingers*

Connie: THAT WAS TORTURE.

Eren: Why am I—*falls out of tree* …in a tree…

Christa: *blushes and scoots away from Ymir* EEP

Armin: *angry squeaking*

original-jade: Well, I’m not turning you back in Jean’s hands!

Jean: *puts Armin down*

original-jade: *snaps fingers again*

Armin: *back to normal* WHY A PIXIE

original-jade: Quote—“I always thought the idea was cute”

Armin: Whhhhhhy…*sobs*

Vex: At least the pixie transformation healed those cuts.

Mikasa: *holds scarf tighter*

original-jade: Anyways, it’s time for bonus choice. And for this, I wish to give Levi a llama style bath!

Everyone: o.o

original-jade: Levi! Stand over there! *points to spot under tree*

Levi: *stumbles* Here?

original-jade: Yeah! Perfect! *pulls suddenly appearing rope*

Levi: *gets knocked down by 50 gallons of water raining down* AH WHAT THE FUCK

Vex: I think he’s sober…

Levi: What just…*remembers* GEEEEEEMMMMM

original-jade: SHIT. *runs in house* REMEMBER EREN’S THE ONE THAT DID IT.

Eren: I WOULDN’T HAVE IF YOU GUYS HADN’T MADE ME.

Levi: Eren. *glares*

Eren: EEP. *squeak like screaming as he runs in the house*

Vex: HEY. I get to do my bonus choice now, so you BETTER GET BACK HERE.

Eren: *slowly crawls out of house and hides in the bushes*

original-jade: Vex, why are you so excited about this o.o

Vex: *creepy grin* Everyone in the cast has to wear Christmas themed underwear.

Ymir: What is with you and Christmas clothes?!? It’s not Christmas anymore!

Vex: I wasn’t done. I have a jar here with slips of paper that have your names written on them. Whoever’s name I pull out of the jar gets a bowl of ice dumped down your undies.

HollowMistress: THAT DOESN’T SEEM DANGEROUS AT ALL.

original-jade: Well…it is bonus choice. *sighs and snaps fingers*

SNK cast: *now wearing the underwear*

Vex: Hehehe…let’s sta—Gem, what are you doing?

original-jade: *crouched over with back turned to everyone else* I’ve never seen someone else without pants and I’m not starting today!

Vex: Really? *dripping sarcasm*

original-jade: …Ok, I’ve seen other girls in gym…but still! It’s weird!

HollowMistress: How old are you?

original-jade: As old as you but I believe Vex said I have the mentality of a kindergartener.

Mikasa: CAN WE GET THIS OVER WITH

Vex: Yeah, yeah. Ok, there’s ten of you, so I’ll pull from the jar ten times, but your names are in here more than once. And first is *pulls name* Eren. *pulls rope to release the ice*

Eren: *unmanly shrieks*

HollowMistress: Ooohoho, that didn’t sound good.

Vex: Heh. *pulls another name* Sasha~

Sasha: *squeals as ice is dumped*

original-jade: *blindfolded* Can I have the ice rope so I can feel like I’m doing something productive?

Vex: *rolls eyes* I guess…*hands over rope and pulls out name* Armin!

original-jade: *swings on rope* WHEEEEE

Armin: SFJGHS;RKJHAERKJH

Jean: WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS

Vex: Because it’s amusing. Ymir!

original-jade: *trying to tie a tire to the rope* Ah! Gotcha! *yanks rope*

Ymir: FUCK

Vex: Gem forget the tire and aim the ice at *pulls name* horse face.

original-jade: *holds on to tire tighter* MY TIRE *pulls rope anyway*

Jean: OH HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

HollowMistress: Stop whining.

Vex: Just think about the torture your friends are going through. Speaking of torture, *does the thing* AHAHA SORRY EREN.

Eren: *such high pitched squeals they can’t be heard*

original-jade: Ayy, she did say your names are in there more than once. *finishes tying the tire to the rope*

Vex: What is with you and tire swings?

original-jade: THE ONLY TIME I EVER GOT TO USE A TIRE SWING WAS WHEN I WOULD GO ON VACATION DX

Vex: Yeesh, ok, ok. Anyways, *pulls name* JEAN AGAIN??!? HAHA

original-jade: *swinging happily on tire and tugs rope*

Jean: *higher voice* FUUUCK

HollowMistress: You are one devious girl.

Vex: I am aware. *paper slip* SASHA. AGAIN. WHAT’S GOING ON.

original-jade: I don’t know but here we go~ *harshly swings on tire*

Sasha: *squealing*

Vex: Let’s see if I can get this right this time…*little slip of paper* SASHA AGAIN. WHAT

Sasha: NONONONONO WAI—

original-jade: *swings*

Sasha: *almost passes out from cold*

Vex: One more…*pulls teh name* Connie!

original-jade: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Connie: OH FUCKING SHIT AH GEEZE

original-jade: Ehehehe, that wraps up Vex’s bonus choice, so now to Mistress’! *snaps fingers and returns everyone to normal…ish. When is this show normal?*

HollowMistress: How about…a trip in the vortex?

original-jade: UH I GET TO STAY HERE RIGHT

Christa: Why would you stay behind?

original-jade: I’m not good with darkness…or silence…especially both…

Vex: Yeah…you don’t wanna see that.

Christa: Whoa…

HollowMistress: Alright then. Let’s go.

***Everyone but Gem and Carl are pulled into Mistress’ vortex. It’s so dark, it’s impossible to see anything, and everyone seems to be separated by invisible borders***

HollowMistress: *voice echoing through the vortex* Well? How do you like my dark realm?

Jean: Realm? REALLY?

HollowMistress: Yes. Technically, we are no longer on Earth’s physical plane.

Armin: *incomprehensible muttering*

Connie: I think you broke him.

HollowMistress: Ah, don’t worry about it. We won’t be here long.

Hanji: Why not?

HollowMistress: I’m afraid if we leave Gem alone too long, she’ll find her way to the abyss.

Vex: HURRY UP THEN.

HollowMistress: GEEZE OK OK *opens portal to living room*

original-jade: *sees them come back* UWAH DON’T LEAVE AGAIN

Vex: GEM CALM DOWN

original-jade: NOOOOO

Levi: Shut the fuck up.

original-jade: *glares* You wanna go?

Levi: If you’ll stop whining.

original-jade: *pulls out shuriken* I’ll have you know that Carl has trained me.

Levi: So?

original-jade: *throws shuriken, effectively pinning Levi’s jacket to the wall*

HollowMistress: LET HIM LIVE HE DOESN’T KNOW ANY BETTER.

original-jade: …Fine. Anyways, it seems as though we’ve finished the necessary aspects…so let’s wrap this up!

Armin: What?

original-jade: As in LET’S GET OUT OF HERE.

Eren: Um

original-jade: You guys can leave if you want now…

Jean: Oh, ok.

Everyone but Levi: *leaves*

Levi: Guys? I’m pinned to the wall here!


End file.
